Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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