i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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