Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
