im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
