The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
