Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
