Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
