New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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