last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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