My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize