2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
