I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
