I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
