if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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