Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I think i got beer on your cat.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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