All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
