Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
