my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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