I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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