i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
