Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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