Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
