she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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