Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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