So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We got so high we made milksteak
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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