you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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