I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need a beard to bite.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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