Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
This is not my ceiling
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
