i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
