sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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