And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
