even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
