i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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