I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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