I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
...so i touched it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
