new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
