I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
