I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
