Where did you get a picture of my penis
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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