I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
