What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
