she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
