Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
