So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
