If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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