I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
