This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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