matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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