I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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