I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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