okay pat passed out under dana's car
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
