exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
