dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
