I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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