the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
