never play flip cup with pint glasses
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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