when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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