At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
