she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
