I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
