my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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