Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
