Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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