If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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