His pubic hair was longer than his dick
love makes seman taste better
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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