party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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